Toms Thoughts

Chili dogs

2012-02-11T06:17:00.001-08:00

Tom Maddox, Biloxi, Ms

"My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' Yes,' she sighed, Yes He's
my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up,
those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since..'
My God!' I said, 'who wouldn't think a person could go on celebrating that
long would you?'
Doctor says I will be alright but would probably always walk with a limp"...

I don't know if I ever told yawl about me taking Billy Jean
Ledbetter to the drive-in. My Daddy had a A-Model back in 1949, the back had
been cut off and made into a pick-up, the seat was a folded up blanket. I
had never carried Billy Jean to the drive-in so it would be a first for both
of us. I never carried her again, I'm getting ahead of myself. The
Ledbetter's lived out in the country near Soso,Ms. Her Daddy hunted
squirrels with a single shot 22, they always had plenty of squirrels to eat
folks said. Her Daddy was cleaning that rifle on the front porch and he told
me, " Be sure Billy Jean don't get fooled-with, I know where you live, boy".
That kept pounding in my head all the way back to town. We had no more than
got parked at the drive-in, and Billy Jean lit-in after me. I was in no mood
for romance, I felt my life depended on my ability to fight her off and not
graze her or pull a button off her blouse. We had to get out and fold that
blanket back up at least a half dozen times, I didn't care, I needed the
respite. I felt if I could keep her eating chili dogs I could distract her,
that worked only while she ate the chili dogs and drank R C cola. Two chili
dogs and a R C cola was a quarter in those days. I made a lot of vows that
night, few I kept except the one to never carry a girl to the drive-in that
out weighed me and was much stronger than I was. I knew I would not keep the
one about staying clear of moon-shine but I was in a desperate situation. I
was in a mood to swear celibacy for the rest of my life and never touch
"shine" again if It would spare me getting gun shot.
I knew I was fighting for my life, I felt like Jacob wrestling with
that angel at Jacob's Ladder, I prayed I would not leave with a limp, like
Jacob did. As long as I could keep her distracted with Chile dogs I could
rest up for her next round of attacking me, I began to realize I had already
spent half my life's saving and Billy Jean was just getting stronger. A
couple times I worried that we might turn that A-Model over. Somehow my shoe
got caught in the steering wheel and went flying across the parking lot. I
got home limping after all, some low class stole my shoe. Next day I was
wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe. I lost the other black one trying
to help my Uncle Cooter catch a hog, none of us had ever seen a hog would
eat a shoe before. I finally got her home, I stopped at a Billups gas
station for her to freshen up, I told her to take her time. They only had
one key to the bathroom and it was hooked to a boat paddle, they did that
back then. I never got shot but I sure spent a lot of time explaining in
church that my vows were made in jest.

2012-01-17T14:23:00.001-08:00

Had to go to the doctor the other day for my yearly. After the test
came back my doctor said I had a rare malady. It looks like I have a bad
infestation of termites, he said it was rare in humans. More test showed I
was eating too much fiber. I had told my doctor earlier that I couldn't bend
my joints as well as I did some time back. Too much fiber will build up you
know. I have never ate any fiber that tasted good. You can tell people who
are fiber addicts, they can't bend over. As you get older you might cut down
on the number of friends you have. I have all of them I can afford right
now, being retired and penniless. I suppose I'm getting like Merle Haggard,
the only thing I can count on these days is my fingers.

Congress has spent all our money, giving it away and selling
moonshine for three dollars a gallon. Let me explain. Some air-head in
Congress came up with the idea to make moonshine (ethanol) out of our corn
and sell it for the same price as gasoline. At first you would say no farmer
is going to use his corn to make moonshine and sell it for the same as gas
prices. Oh yea of little faith, it works great if we subsidize the farmer
and pay him the difference. President Reagan said the most feared eight
words on earth is, "We're from the Government and here to help". One of the
reasons I became a Christian is so when I die, I won't have to live with
Congressmen anymore.

I'm often not politically correct and won't strive to improve. Being
politically correct will have you saying things that you know is untrue and
brainless. Example, undocumented workers are really undocumented Democrats.
My Brother Slick said a friend of his told him one that he wanted to marry
Slick's wife and she wanted a divorce. Feller said he didn't know if his
finances could afford a wife though. Slick told him, "I'll help with yawl
with your light bill". I was raised in a poor section of Mississippi, we
didn't know the depression was over until 1950. Gotta Go...T

I could'nt live alone,

2011-12-29T06:02:00.001-08:00

I would die of thirst. Everyday my wife tells me, "Isn't it a little early to start drinking beer". I don't have a clue
when beer drinking time should start. Women know, but they won't tell us how they found out. I tried to Google it, they didn't know either. If I lived alone I would have a lot of food to throw out, I suppose I'm too use to cooking for two. I do most of the cooking, all my wife wants to cook is healthy food. No, wonder all these health addicts looks so emaciated and colorless.

I'm glad I'm 76, our Congress has already gave away all the Social Security trust fund money to welfare. Since they don't have any more of our money to give away, now they are giving out tax breaks. The part they never explain is the tax break are taken from the Social Security fund.

I feel sorry for China and all the hard working Chinese people. Our Congress keeps borrowing their money and giving it to us so we can buy cheap stuff from China. There is no way in HELL we will ever be able to pay them back. There are 535 people in Congress that caused all this mess, make them pay it back. Well, I suppose I'm through with this lesson on economics for today, study hard it will be on the test next week.

Tom's Daylily Page <http://www.tomsdaylilies.com>
Tom's Blog <http://tomstalkin.blogspot.com>

Getting older

2011-11-28T08:03:00.001-08:00

You might consume a lot of your valuable time on earth trying to get
your way. Will Rodgers said, it is a proven fact, there is only two ways to
argue with a woman, it is also a proven fact, that neither works. If you win
a hard fought argument with your spouse, you will lose in the end, no body
likes a "Know it All". Any argument boils down to the possibility of two
conclusions, only one of the participants is right or neither. You should
not try to conform people to your idea of what is right. No one has the
right to change your opinion, opinions are like in-laws, you may not like
some of them but they are still your in-laws. My Daddy lived to be 97, I
think he stayed busy trying to stay alive, so he could intentionally miss
some people's funerals he didn't like. There will always be people you don't
like, never tell them though, keep them wondering. Don't try to listen in on
someone else's whispering, they don't want you to hear it and you will
probably sleep better by not hearing. Don't try to change your spouse,
that's like buying a Ford and changing all the emblems to read Chevrolet,
it's still gonna be a Ford.

As I get older I find I can afford less friends. People who can't
stand you will never try to borrow things from you, that is certainly a
plus. People borrow things mostly because it's cheaper than buying things,
that is just an economic fact. If you don't have many friends, it could be
because you are too cheap to buy your own things. I would never borrow
anything from someone I don't like, if he's dead, I won't hesitate to borrow
from his wife. Usually your friends wife won't like you, don't worry about
that, it's usually because word got back to her that you said, he could have
done better. People who lie a lot are much more interesting than habitual
truth tellers. There is nothing more boring than the truth, that's a
scientific fact. Make sure your friends are uglier than you are. It
increases your chances of making out. I gotta go try to impress somebody, as
you get older that gets harder too.....................tom

Tom's Daylily Page <http://www.tomsdaylilies.com>
Tom's Blog <http://tomstalkin.blogspot.com>

Fly Zippers

2011-09-21T09:29:00.001-07:00

I'm sort of an inventor by trade, I like to claim anyway. I am now working on a device that will zip up the fly in my overalls, when I forget automatically. As you get older you remember less. My wife tells me the less I remember of my past, the better I should feel, mentally. The biggest problem, which I feel sure I will solve, is keeping it from zipping up when I'm not quite ready. This could put the Trial Lawyers after me, so I will hold off putting it on the market until the bugs are worked out. I could put a box of band aids in the pocket I suppose. I told a lady over at Lowe's about my idea, she said she felt sure that Lowe's will gladly buy me some as quick as they hit the market. I figure it's just Lowe's way of showing me their appreciation for me buying most of their stuff. I ride a scooter around town and I find my memory is much better in the winter. I stop most times within a block of the house to zip up. My wife told me she could not sleep at night worrying about somebody running over me on my scooter. I showed her all the accidental death insurance I carry at my Credit Union. She's sleeping much better, sometimes till dinner. Memory being better in the cold, I suppose Eskimos rarely ever lose anything they can't find. If you live in a igloo I guess things just show up better. I lose most of what I buy at Lowe's, so I buy spares of everything. I was telling my Paw about my zipping-up problem. He said it will only get worse, he said most of the time now he forgets to zip down. He lived to be 97 and could remember anything, he said I took after my Mama. My Grandpaw got knocked in the head for messing with another man's wife, he barely made 95, he was a dashing rascal I'm told.

Tom's Daylily Page <http://www.tomsdaylilies.com>
Tom's Blog <http://tomstalkin.blogspot.com>

Sluffing

2011-08-23T05:24:00.000-07:00

Don't ever read the possible side effects on a medicine bottle. Do
people really need to be warned that if their face starts sluffing off and
persist, you might want to call your doctor. The very first stage of
sluffing, and I will be letting the whole countryside know. My wife decided
I needed my own cell phone. We got me one, the purchase went something like
this.
"He doesn't need any minutes, I will be calling him". "We don't sell
plans without minutes". "Then he needs the least minutes you have and it
needs to ring loud". Ring-ring. "It needs to be louder". "We'll try that".
Got in my truck my phone won't ring, back to store. "This phone won't ring".
"It rung here in the store". " I know that I heard it, it just won't ring in
my truck". "Let me call it again". Ring-ring. "Maybe you called wrong
number". "I know what the number is". Back in truck. "Call me with your
phone". Phone won't ring. Back to store. "This phone only rings here in this
store, I can't come here every time I need to be called ". "It rang fine
awhile ago when you were here". " I know I heard it, but it won't ring in my
truck". "Here you the hold the phone, I will call you". Phone won't ring now
in the store. "Phone must be closed up to ring". Didn't know phones have to
be closed to ring, do now. She should have thought of that when she sold me
this thing. If I get a call it's my wife, no one knows my number, suits me.

My memory data bank has about expired too. My wife says the more I
can forget my past the better I ought to feel.

Tom's Daylily Page <http://www.tomsdaylilies.com>
Tom's Blog <http://tomstalkin.blogspot.com>

Growing Older

2011-07-14T05:51:00.001-07:00

Growing old the first losses you will encounter is hearing, teeth
and a sense of decency. The first two can be bought back, decency can only
be achieved by deception. I always thought decency was tied some how to
keeping your pants on when they should be on. My wife thinks I should
practice being more modest and decent. I find modesty is harder to
accomplish than playing the guitar. I have come to realized that modesty is
not for people who excel in most of their endeavors. Show me a person who is
modest and I'll show you someone who has not risen very far above the
expectations of their spouse or their family. My ego which might appear
flawed at times to others, it just won't let me get any more "modester" than
I am right now. When you come from a family who makes the TV program "Cops"
at least once a year, then it's hard to not toot your horn, for just being
civil. Being civil in the South usually means you don't own a pistol to
carry in your back pocket. I can usually hunker down and come up with some
compassion and forgiveness for someone, unless they have bad-mouthed my
Daylilies, that's not always pardonable. I will continue to strive for some
modesty, even if I have to lie about having more of it than I actually do.
In my way of thinking, when you refuse to look at someone's seedling
pictures, you are trodding on unforgiveness grounds. When I was in school
Camel cigarettes and girls was my favorite subject, I had more success with
the first. Since most of the good ones seemed to have me in mind, Most
Northerners may not know this, but young Southerners go to Wakes to check
out the chicks, just a habit I sure find hard to break even at 77. I sure
hope this doesn't sound like a bunch of whining, can't stand whiners.
...............tom

Periles of Pauline

2011-07-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of things I just don't understand in this world.
Even though my education was half hearted at best, I guess I shouldn't
complain too much. How does a thermos know to keep something cold or hot?
Seems to me it would need a switch so you could select what you wanted it to
do. My brother said it might be digital. After all he worked at Sears,
putting batteries in cars, I figured he should know.
I don't understand how well thought of people in the community
can be so callous. When my High School principal told my Mother that I stood
a good chance of ending up in Incarceration, I thought his laughing about it
was quite out of order. I guess it shows how even with his high education
level, it still didn't keep him from enjoying pointing out my shortcomings.
In my family shortcomings is something we don't laugh about, though I'm told
multitudes do. I ask my Mother why our family had such SHORT COMINGS, She
said it had something to do with living so far South. I'll explain that
someday.
I don't understand why people pay marriage councilors. My wife
carried me to a marriage councilor and he told me to spill my heart and soul
out to him, so he could get to the root of my problems. I figured with all
his training he had to take a lot of courses in sympathy, and how to lift
the spirits of the down trodden and misunderstood. I figured that's why
people paid for his opinion. So I told him every thing about my life, why my
reputation was so tarnished, and pityful. He told me, I should be ashamed of
myself. If that's what councilors are paid to do.
I owe half the people in town money. The therapist told me to list every
thing I enjoyed in life and go do them, and I would feel better.
That didn't work out so good either, many were against the law, some were a
sin, or worst of all most would make me FAT. I didn't go
back..................................tom

Baptist

2009-04-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

I think my daughter probably gets her good looks from me. I got my new glasses now and I do look pretty good I must admit. Joyce was the Homecoming Queen so I think she deserves me, even though I do enjoy my own company. My brother told me when I was a baby, that my Mother came home from the hospital without me but the police brought me home and threatened her if she ever left me again in public. She told me that I did begin to look more promising with age. I’m Southern Baptist, we believe the back four pews in church is where God dwells most of the time, if you sit on one of the front four pews you are guilty of something and trying to repent. If you dream of fried chicken and banana pudding twice in one week you are probably being called to preach. To go in a liquor store in your own home State is sinful and showing signs of arrogance and dementia. I need to publish a pamphlet.

Marriage

2009-04-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Men think of women every 15 seconds, women think of shopping every
15 seconds and think of men about twice a month. If your wife ask you if you
still love her, she will usually add, “You sure don’t act like you do”.
“Well, what did I do this time”? “If you don’t know just forget it”. “That
should be easy since I have no idea how this got started in the first
place”. I don’t mind listening to others opinion as long as I get a chance
to show them how ridiculous their opinion really was. Never argue with your
wife, she will surely remind you how you almost killed her when one of your
children was born, that you were responsible for. You will have no comeback,
since you can’t have children. I tried to get pregnant once but failed
miserably. Adult beverages (beer) will kill some of your brain cells, I am
only now getting my brain cells down to a manageable level. When a man is in
his teens fighting raging hormones they want to get married as soon as they
can talk some woman into marrying them or find a REAL friendly girlfriend.
Once a man reaches about 75 they usually will look back at all this as
youthful ignorance and over imagination and wonder why all the fuss?

How to impress a Father-in Law

2009-04-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

10 ways on how to impress your hopeful Father-in-Law about marrying his daughter:

1. I have not been arrested in the last year.

2. My family owns our own pulp wood truck and chain saw.

3. I willing to marry your daughter even though she is already over Fourteen.

4. My mother was once a professional wrestler and lost one arm.

5. My Mother once beat a cop almost to death with her purse.

6. Over half the children in my family have the same father.

7. My father was picked up by an alien flying saucer, three different times.

8. I could blow smoke rings when I was only ten years old.

9. I got your daughters phone number off the Billips Service Station men’s room wall.

10. Two of my brothers have State ordered Vasectomies.

Tom's Daylily Page <http://www.tomsdaylilies.com>
Tom's Blog <http://tomstalkin.blogspot.com>