Virgins and Uncle Monroe

                10/30/12

                          Virgins and Uncle Monroe

                It's 40 degrees here and I had nothing to do with it. Early man would go sacrifice a virgin if the weather got bad. At least it showed the morality of virgins, to  sacrifice the most innocent of all. I never heard about the moral leaders say, "The weather is bad and the weather Gods are fuming mad, let's go sacrifice another drunk". Another good thing about drinking red wine, you never got chased down and slung  into a volcano. All this to show that bad morals do not cause bad weather, only lying about your flowers fertility can cause that. How do you like how I did that. One point and I get to herbicide Freehand. I doubt infertility would last millions of years in the environment. Remember the old ads about Messing with Mother Nature. If I had to guess about it, I feel sure our messing with the genes of flowers (Converting) could get her all riled up.   

Twenty something years ago when all I had was dips, I don't remember this being such a problem. I have some infertile tets now  and they don't wake up one morning and decide to change their vile behavior. They will play games and abort, can't stand that either. Once a low life always a low life.

                I had an Uncle Monroe who was a town drunk and his wife Aunt Rachel was constantly trying to pay someone to go throw Uncle Monroe in a volcano. We didn't have any volcanoes here in Mississippi, that turned out to be his salvation I suppose. On his tombstone it reads, "Lived to be 95, thanks to lack of volcanoes in Mississippi". My Daddy said the reason Uncle Monroe lived so long was that evil germs refused to lower their standards to the point of living inside of him. I heard that as a child and gave me a lot to think about all my life. It sure  could explain a lot about myself. Even today folks walk by his grave and scratch their heads. I feel sure our lack of volcanoes has been beneficial to me as long as Joyce and I have been married. I didn't mean to tell yawl all this family history, it got started and I couldn't shut up.

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Wives

Tom Maddox, Biloxi, Ms
In a mall one day, the store about the size of two football fields. I ask this lady
where the men's department was. She didn't know, only worked there two
years. She did explain that I would certainly not find it in the
women's Green Blouse Department. She pointed out a lady about 1/2 mile
away, told me her name was Teresa, and she was here when the store
opened. Teresa look dumb founded and a little embarrassed, I thought.
She told me to go back by the men's restroom there use to be some
men's stuff in a paste board box by the door.
It was empty except, 2 rather large jump-suits, lime green. Is there a law
somewhere that says, when men retire they must wear jump-suits and sit
on benches in malls. If not, there are a lot of women who are telling
their husbands an outright lie. Too much of this going on to be a
coincidence. The bright jump-suits makes it easy to find their other
half, I suppose. No wonder we have so few clothes, it's hard to shop
from a bench in a mall, in a lime green jump-suit.


This is a true store, not to give the impression that any
lying has been going on. In a mall, Meridian Ms. I found a shirt 75%
off. Told the young guy at the register (looked 8 years old), about how I
was getting this shirt for 1/4 what it was worth. He looked at it and
said, it was hard to sell a shirt that looked like that. I don't know
for sure but lime green shirts could be out of vogue these days. I
don't keep up with those things.
Got to go hook up the Casita travel trailer and get ready to roll.
Gotta Go...
Tom
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Chili dogs

Tom Maddox, Biloxi, Ms

"My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' Yes,' she sighed, Yes He's
my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up,
those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since..'
My God!' I said, 'who wouldn't think a person could go on celebrating that
long would you?'
Doctor says I will be alright but would probably always walk with a limp"...

I don't know if I ever told yawl about me taking Billy Jean
Ledbetter to the drive-in. My Daddy had a A-Model back in 1949, the back had
been cut off and made into a pick-up, the seat was a folded up blanket. I
had never carried Billy Jean to the drive-in so it would be a first for both
of us. I never carried her again, I'm getting ahead of myself. The
Ledbetter's lived out in the country near Soso,Ms. Her Daddy hunted
squirrels with a single shot 22, they always had plenty of squirrels to eat
folks said. Her Daddy was cleaning that rifle on the front porch and he told
me, " Be sure Billy Jean don't get fooled-with, I know where you live, boy".
That kept pounding in my head all the way back to town. We had no more than
got parked at the drive-in, and Billy Jean lit-in after me. I was in no mood
for romance, I felt my life depended on my ability to fight her off and not
graze her or pull a button off her blouse. We had to get out and fold that
blanket back up at least a half dozen times, I didn't care, I needed the
respite. I felt if I could keep her eating chili dogs I could distract her,
that worked only while she ate the chili dogs and drank R C cola. Two chili
dogs and a R C cola was a quarter in those days. I made a lot of vows that
night, few I kept except the one to never carry a girl to the drive-in that
out weighed me and was much stronger than I was. I knew I would not keep the
one about staying clear of moon-shine but I was in a desperate situation. I
was in a mood to swear celibacy for the rest of my life and never touch
"shine" again if It would spare me getting gun shot.
I knew I was fighting for my life, I felt like Jacob wrestling with
that angel at Jacob's Ladder, I prayed I would not leave with a limp, like
Jacob did. As long as I could keep her distracted with Chile dogs I could
rest up for her next round of attacking me, I began to realize I had already
spent half my life's saving and Billy Jean was just getting stronger. A
couple times I worried that we might turn that A-Model over. Somehow my shoe
got caught in the steering wheel and went flying across the parking lot. I
got home limping after all, some low class stole my shoe. Next day I was
wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe. I lost the other black one trying
to help my Uncle Cooter catch a hog, none of us had ever seen a hog would
eat a shoe before. I finally got her home, I stopped at a Billups gas
station for her to freshen up, I told her to take her time. They only had
one key to the bathroom and it was hooked to a boat paddle, they did that
back then. I never got shot but I sure spent a lot of time explaining in
church that my vows were made in jest.

Had to go to the doctor the other day for my yearly. After the test
came back my doctor said I had a rare malady. It looks like I have a bad
infestation of termites, he said it was rare in humans. More test showed I
was eating too much fiber. I had told my doctor earlier that I couldn't bend
my joints as well as I did some time back. Too much fiber will build up you
know. I have never ate any fiber that tasted good. You can tell people who
are fiber addicts, they can't bend over. As you get older you might cut down
on the number of friends you have. I have all of them I can afford right
now, being retired and penniless. I suppose I'm getting like Merle Haggard,
the only thing I can count on these days is my fingers.

Congress has spent all our money, giving it away and selling
moonshine for three dollars a gallon. Let me explain. Some air-head in
Congress came up with the idea to make moonshine (ethanol) out of our corn
and sell it for the same price as gasoline. At first you would say no farmer
is going to use his corn to make moonshine and sell it for the same as gas
prices. Oh yea of little faith, it works great if we subsidize the farmer
and pay him the difference. President Reagan said the most feared eight
words on earth is, "We're from the Government and here to help". One of the
reasons I became a Christian is so when I die, I won't have to live with
Congressmen anymore.

I'm often not politically correct and won't strive to improve. Being
politically correct will have you saying things that you know is untrue and
brainless. Example, undocumented workers are really undocumented Democrats.
My Brother Slick said a friend of his told him one that he wanted to marry
Slick's wife and she wanted a divorce. Feller said he didn't know if his
finances could afford a wife though. Slick told him, "I'll help with yawl
with your light bill". I was raised in a poor section of Mississippi, we
didn't know the depression was over until 1950. Gotta Go...T

I could'nt live alone,

I would die of thirst. Everyday my wife tells me, "Isn't it a little early to start drinking beer". I don't have a clue
when beer drinking time should start. Women know, but they won't tell us how they found out. I tried to Google it, they didn't know either. If I lived alone I would have a lot of food to throw out, I suppose I'm too use to cooking for two. I do most of the cooking, all my wife wants to cook is healthy food. No, wonder all these health addicts looks so emaciated and colorless.

I'm glad I'm 76, our Congress has already gave away all the Social Security trust fund money to welfare. Since they don't have any more of our money to give away, now they are giving out tax breaks. The part they never explain is the tax break are taken from the Social Security fund.

I feel sorry for China and all the hard working Chinese people. Our Congress keeps borrowing their money and giving it to us so we can buy cheap stuff from China. There is no way in HELL we will ever be able to pay them back. There are 535 people in Congress that caused all this mess, make them pay it back. Well, I suppose I'm through with this lesson on economics for today, study hard it will be on the test next week.

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Getting older

You might consume a lot of your valuable time on earth trying to get
your way. Will Rodgers said, it is a proven fact, there is only two ways to
argue with a woman, it is also a proven fact, that neither works. If you win
a hard fought argument with your spouse, you will lose in the end, no body
likes a "Know it All". Any argument boils down to the possibility of two
conclusions, only one of the participants is right or neither. You should
not try to conform people to your idea of what is right. No one has the
right to change your opinion, opinions are like in-laws, you may not like
some of them but they are still your in-laws. My Daddy lived to be 97, I
think he stayed busy trying to stay alive, so he could intentionally miss
some people's funerals he didn't like. There will always be people you don't
like, never tell them though, keep them wondering. Don't try to listen in on
someone else's whispering, they don't want you to hear it and you will
probably sleep better by not hearing. Don't try to change your spouse,
that's like buying a Ford and changing all the emblems to read Chevrolet,
it's still gonna be a Ford.

As I get older I find I can afford less friends. People who can't
stand you will never try to borrow things from you, that is certainly a
plus. People borrow things mostly because it's cheaper than buying things,
that is just an economic fact. If you don't have many friends, it could be
because you are too cheap to buy your own things. I would never borrow
anything from someone I don't like, if he's dead, I won't hesitate to borrow
from his wife. Usually your friends wife won't like you, don't worry about
that, it's usually because word got back to her that you said, he could have
done better. People who lie a lot are much more interesting than habitual
truth tellers. There is nothing more boring than the truth, that's a
scientific fact. Make sure your friends are uglier than you are. It
increases your chances of making out. I gotta go try to impress somebody, as
you get older that gets harder too.....................tom

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Fly Zippers

        I'm sort of an inventor by trade, I like to claim anyway. I am now working on a device that will zip up the fly in my overalls, when I forget automatically.  As you get older you remember less. My wife tells me the less I remember of my past, the better I should feel, mentally. The biggest problem, which I feel sure I will solve, is keeping it from zipping up when I'm not quite ready. This could put the Trial Lawyers after me, so I will hold off putting it on the market until the bugs are worked out. I could put a box of band aids in the pocket I suppose. I told a lady over at Lowe's about my idea, she said she felt sure that Lowe's will gladly buy me some as quick as they hit the market. I figure it's just Lowe's way of showing me their appreciation for me buying most of their stuff. I ride a scooter around town and I find my memory is much better in the winter. I stop most times within a block of the house to zip up. My wife told me she could not sleep at night worrying about somebody running over me on my scooter. I showed her all the accidental death insurance I carry at my Credit Union. She's sleeping much better, sometimes till dinner. Memory being better in the cold, I suppose Eskimos rarely ever lose anything they can't find. If you live in a igloo I guess things just show up better. I lose most of what I buy at Lowe's, so I buy spares of everything. I was telling my Paw about my zipping-up problem. He said it will only get worse, he said most of the time now he forgets to zip down. He lived to be 97 and could remember anything, he said I took after my Mama. My Grandpaw got knocked in the head for messing with another man's wife, he barely made 95, he was a dashing rascal I'm told.

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